Last night I was thinking about what has happened in the past few years, the good and the bad. I realized I could remember the bad more than the good and that surprised me. I can remember the fights that broke my group of friends up, I can remember the feelings of betrayal and heartbreak my mother caused me, the feeling of loss and loneliness, the pain of being forced to give up on someone you cared about, the constant living in fear because of the world being so horrible. I can remember the silent nights I spent crying myself to sleep, wanting to die, thinking of taking my own life, believing that no one gave a damn about me. I was depressed, I barely ate, drank, smiled, I faked everything.

Then I tried to think of the good from back then, my best friends and I being goofs after school, the freedom of being a child, the not caring about the future and living only for today. The bad outweighed the good, no wonder I was so depressed.

10th grade was the worst year. My mother destroyed me, ripped me apart, making me feel worthless as she cheated on my father and saw nothing wrong with it. My heart was a disaster area and I risked my heart on someone who I should have not. I believed myself to be a monster, someone who didn't deserve to live and my self image of myself was destroyed, I hated who I was, I hated everything about me. I wanted to die, I had everything in order, my last wishes, my things divided among those I cared for. I had the pills, but...I just couldn't do it. I called a good friend of mine and I told her, crying and needing someone to listen.

11th was the year of healing, it took me almost 8 months to trust anyone else other than my small group of friends. Then came along Joe. When his friend told me he liked me, I was terrified. I didn't want another relationship, I didn't want to hurt him or for him to hurt me. I spent many nights just wishing for him to give up on liking me, dreading on seeing him when break was over. Though my head begged for me to not start a relationship, my heart begged for me to let him close...I gave into the heart's begging. At first I was terrified of him knowing me personally. I thought he'd give up but he stayed, intrigued by me and me by him. Soon, my heart healed and he filled the void filled by the ones I lost to death and life. He made me feel safer than anyone I ever knew. I could sleep at night, knowing that tomorrow would bring me the chance to talk and see him again. I began to love life like I did as a child, to see it as a blessing. Now I see the beauty in everything once more. It's been ten months that we've been together and they are ten of the best months ever. Joe and I have talked about things and he said that after I graduate college and he does his tour in the military, that we'll get married. He brought it up and it surprised me. He doesn't know what he wants to be, but all he wants is for me to be there and be the mother of his children. He makes me feel so overwhelmed with love. Though we are madly in love, we're not doing anything stupid. He wants to wait until we're both ready because we both feel that we're too young. He is everything I want in a man, gentle, a heart of gold, protective, loving, caring, strong. He knows I'm more of a sentimental girl than a material girl and he'll write me poems to show how much he loves me. He has his flaws, but I deal with them because I know I have flaws as well.

In ten months, he has changed me so much. I no longer fear being alone because I know he'll be there, I dream a lot more. I dream of a future that is in my grasp, one that is so probable, that I am able to bet my chips on. He has changed as well. He is open, more willing to let people into his world. He allows me to get inside his head and see how he thinks, he doesn't hide his feelings as much is adorable in how he makes sure he gets a hug and a kiss after school and meets me between a few of my classes.

I guess it is true, you have to Hell to get to Heaven. I wish everyone could find someone who makes them feel like I do, to be loved so much that just being away from them for a second makes them even more special when you are together again.