So Friday was our annual homecoming game. For once, we won...17 -0...for the first time in YEARS. Joe and I went and it was a bit cold so him and I snuggled and watched the game. I LOVE snuggling with him, it's a) warm b) makes me feel safe c) makes me feel loved Both of us were cold so we snuggled...as he ate salt & vinegar chips with cream soda and I ate oreos with birch beer. On the way home he fell asleep with his head on my shoulder and it was adorable.

Then today, Saturday, was our homecoming dance. I had a lot of fun dancing and singing and dragging Joe around. I have a few pictures that I'll post. Joe's sister picked us up and he gave me a rose corsage for my wrist and it was pretty and smelled good ^^. There was drama but Joe and I avoided it, we stayed together and had fun just dancing and kissing. He's a good kisser. He didn't wear camo. ^^ My dad said, "come in here, I wanna see this." His sister and my mom took pictures so I'll put them up. It was a nice night, though, I kind of wished Joe would have fallen asleep again, it was cute to watch him sleep with his head on my shoulder.

Joe and I made it SIX months! ^^ Sept. 11th (honestly, that is the worse day) was our six months dating and it was also the 8th anniversary of the death of his friends. He surprised me by giving me a rose. I have it pressing in an old phone book. He forgot that roses had thorns and his blood is on the petals, silly boy.

On a sadder note, last Thursday his appendix burst. Joe felt horrible Wednesday and he wasn't in school on Thursday and Friday so I was worried because he never came online. Friday I got my senior pictures and after them, my mom looked at me very seriously and said, "Joe's in the hospital...his appendix burst." What do I do? I start laughing!! Why would I do such a sick thing? Because I knew something was wrong with him, I knew it. Plus when I'm nervous, I laugh.

So I went straight from senior pictures to the hospital to see him. When I walked in, his face lit up a bit. He's in a lot of pain and when I was at the hospital, he was holding my hand and he squeezed my hand whenever he got a really bad pain.

I saw him on Monday and he was in pain because they took him off the morphine and he's in a lot of pain. Today when I visited him, he threw up and he was in soooooooooo much pain. When I got home, I let the floodgates burst and I started crying because I honestly feel so helpless. He's in pain and I can't do a damn thing to help him.

I miss him being in school and I miss being able to snuggle with him and feel safe in his arms. I miss his warm embrace that made me feel safe and as if the world was a safe place for me to be in.


*****

I wish Joe was better, I wish he was right here, completely healed so I could have my puppy to cry into. Selfish, yes, but my world is slowly falling apart. My mom got a call that my Uncle Tom isn't doing good. He's mentally challenged and he's on a trachea (spelling??) The doctors don't think he's going to make it. I...I can't do this anymore. I need someone to hug me and tell me things are going to be okay. I feel so vulnerable. I'm a fucking crying mess.

Today, August 11th, marked Joe and I's five months of going out. ^^ So...to celebrate it, we did it in the best way of course! What better way to spend it than to see the 3rd Mummy movie! It was a good movie, but I wish they would have done it in Egypt. I Egypt.

Anyways, we watched the movie, I used Joe as my head rest as he kept his arm around my waist. We then went to dunkin' doughnuts/ basken robins and we got some ice cream. We then sat outside and relaxed and talked. There were these two little kids and the boy was playing games with us and his mom apologized but I think Joe liked seeing me react to the little kid.

In the past five months, I've learned a lot from Joe. That I can be loved for who I am. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not to get a guy's attention. If I can find someone who loves me, I'm sure everyone else (except Nick and people who expect their partner to be PERFECT) can find love too. I've also learned that beneath every tough guy, is a sweetheart of a guy that doesn't know how to love but if shown love and is willing to learn, he's a quick learner. It's amazing how just a little showing of affection towards such a hostile man can result in him being such a softy!! He's soooo gentle with me. If someone even joked about harming me, he'd be on them in two seconds flat, but with me, he's as gentle as a lamb.

I love him for who he is. He's a gentleman. We've made out a few times but he's always kept his hands where they belong. He's a sweetheart and the last thing he'd do would be to hurt me. He accidentally hit me, it was more like a gentle push, and he apologized for 10 minutes!!

Our favorite date is to go to the local park and go through the woods and then walk the creek. Then we put a blanket down by the crick on the grass and we talk and flirt. He lets his guard completely down and when it's just me and him...it's almost as if we're the only two people on Earth. He gives me peace and I feel safe with him.

Here's to hoping him and I keep going like this.

Anyways, how is everyone??

Uh...wow, looking at my last journal, it makes what's been going on look like nothing!

Last week Joe and I went down to the creek and were sitting by the creek and he put his arm around my shoulders and I sat there and I kind of didn't know what to do so I just leaned against him a bit and I held his hand and we talked and he asked if I was alright with his arm there and I said I was. I really was, I liked that he took the initiative to actually do something. Then he was poking me in the ribs and teased me since I squeak. Then that's where his pet name for me came out. I'm his squeak toy and he's my puppy. ^^

He's much like a dog, don't ask but all of us see it in him and he's so cute because he's learning how to be affectionate so he's like a puppy...and he's mine so he's my puppy and I'm his squeak toy because dogs have squeak toys and I squeak.

Anyways, on the way home we were on the same bus for after school activities and he sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder and I decided to rest my head against his shoulder and he rested his head on my head. Then when I got off I gave him a hug and we kissed each other on the cheek and I was very content with how the day had went.

Then I talked to my friend about him and how I felt and she said, "Egypt...you love him don't you?" and I looked at her and I said, "I don't know." and she replied, "What makes you like him?" and I started thinking and I began to write a list. Then talked to his friend and she agreed that I'm in love with him and him with me. So I began writing this message for my AIM account, but I kept it from them.

Then Thursday I looked at my friend and said, "I love him." and she smiled and said, "Tell him when you're ready." and I showed it to his friend and she said "Show it to him."

Later that night I put it up and told him to read my buddy information for AIM. After he read it he said, "That's how you actually feel? You feel that deeply for me?" and I said, "Yeah..." and he said after a bit, "you know...I feel the same. I've known for a bit that you loved me...but not that deeply."

He said he could tell by how I spoke to him, how I cared, and how I smiled and gestured openly to him.

Then Friday DECA sponsored Dorney Night so we went to the local amusement park and had TONS of fun and Joe and I...we got to step up a level in our relationship.

Shamelessly flirting and being teenagers, we held hands and were kids for once. In line we flirted and kissed each other's cheek and he once in a while would hug me as he kept his arm around my shoulders. Then he began to loosen up and he would occasionally stroke my hair to smooth it out or kiss my forehead. Then when we were sitting on the scrambler, he looked at me and said, "I love you." and I looked at him and smiled and said, "I love you too." and we snuggled against each other and got jeers from my friends who didn't hear what we said but saw us and teased us.

Then we relaxed on this train thing and it was getting dark and we were snuggling and in response to him kissing my forehead I went and kissed his cheek and he then said "Kiss?" and I kind of looked at him funny and he caught me on the mouth. It was a quick clean kiss that made me blush even more and he teased as I cuddled into him, "You're so red I can feel the heat from your face."

Then the rest of the night we flirted and kissed a few more times, simple and clean kisses, nothing long and drawn out. Then my parents picked us up and we sat in the back and we held hands and I put my head against his shoulder and he put his head against mine and we both dozed off occasionally.

This week we have finals so we have half days and him and I have spent an hour and a half each day together. He's become very open and not afraid to show his affection for me in public. We do get teased though. He's Hispanic and I'm Caucasian so kids automatically think we're doing stuff and we're not. He's a gentleman and I'm not a lady but I have morals. The last thing he'd do would hurt me. He's a tough guy and he's a bit rough but with me he's gentle and would never raise his hand against me. If I get out of line he pulls me close and taps me on the nose or pokes me or sternly tells me to knock it off.

I know my parents aren't that crazy about him but that's because they don't know him that well. If they'd talk to my friend and those who know him for the sweetheart he truly is, they'd like him better.

Anyways it's late and I've got a date with him after 7th period final so wish me luck! ^^

So...yesterday, him and I were walking down from the high school and Joe was talking about how and why we've been resisting holding hands, while I smiled and giggled the whole time, debating whether or not to grab his hand and force him to hold my hand, and he's brought up the subject a few times and it was the 2nd time that week and he finally asked "would you want to try?" and I said, "It wouldn't kill us to try." as I put my hand out to my side and waited to let see if he'd take my hand and then he did and we entwined fingers and we walked around a bit. I...I liked it. I've held hands with people in games but I've never taken notice to how their hand feels, the warmth, the roughness of the skin. My hand was sweating so bad from excitement and nerves, I like holding his hand, his hand is so different from mine. Where as my hands are...I've got piano fingers and wide, hard hands, his hands are a bit smaller than mine. His are wide and warm and fleshier than mine, I can get my hands in small places...he can't. Then while we were walking we turned around to go back to the front of the middle school and he was considerate of me in heels and slowly turned around. He didn't let go of my hand and he squeezed my hand and I glanced over at him and he was smiling, he was happy.

On the bus I was going to lean over and kiss him on the cheek, but his brother was on so I didn't. It was cute because he sat across from me and we were turned towards each other and he sits with his knees apart and I sit with my knees together and I had my knee against his and we flirted and spoke softly about things and laughed. He's a sweetheart, he makes me laugh and if I have a problem I can tell him, he understands me, he gets me. And he trusts me, he tells me things that I know he doesn't tell others because he rarely speaks about things about his family and when he brings it up, I listen carefully.

My friend and his friend agree, they both think...okay know, that if anyone can help him learn to love and to learn compassion it will be me. I've gotten through his guard, I've invaded his personal space, and he doesn't mind one bit.

My friends are planning our wedding already, they seem to think he's the one...I'll let you know in a few years about that one. *wink*